We have a conflicted relationship with relationships. We lament our lack of community and express a desire to be known, feeling deep pain when we notice its absence, yet our genuine desire for community is unknowingly undermined by our own habits. We drift away from community. We see it. We want it. Yet we drift away from it like an unanchored boat drifting from shore, pulled by the winds and waves of selfishness and shame.
In the beginning, God created Adam and Eve to be in community. God saw Adam's lack of human relationships and said, "It is not good that the man should be alone; I will make a helper fit for him (Gen 2:18)." When Adam saw Eve, he sang, declaring the goodness of the companion God made for him. God, existing in perfect relationship within the Trinity, created man to know and be known by another human. We were made for relationship.
In the fall, our relationships were broken. Our relationship with God and our relationship with others. Adam and Eve saw their nakedness and covered themselves with fig leaves. When they heard God walking in the garden, they hid from His presence. We were created for relationship, but because of the fall, we drift from community.
If we want genuine community, it will not happen without initiative and intentionality. We do not drift toward relationship with others, but away from relationship with others and toward isolation. We see it in Adam and Eve's response to the fall, and we see it in our own lives. If we want to fight the drift, we must know why we drift. Here are two reasons:
The selfishness of Adam and Eve is displayed in their first sin and also their response. They selfishly disobeyed the commandment of their loving creator. They pleased themselves and questioned the truth of God. In response, they selfishly passed the blame and took no responsibility.
Selfishness continues to undermine our relationships today. First, we sabotage community when we are selfish with our time and with our lives. Real relationships require us to seek the good of the other. Genuine community requires we consider their needs above our own. We undermine relationships when we fail to adjust our schedules to make it happen. Selfishly, we don't want community if it imposes on our lives. We only want relationships if they fit conveniently into our busy schedule.
Selfishness also causes us to drift from community because we put unfair expectations on relationships. We impose our own needs, desires and ideals on the relationship we want, and fail to see that we have made it all about us. We fail to see that it isn't real community. When we want relationships to fulfill our own needs, without a desire to meet the needs of others, we sabotage community. We drift away because unmet expectations lead us to question whether we want those relationships at all - and we end up blaming the other person, when it was us that created the problems all along.
If you want community, you must fight the selfishness that will make you want it on your own terms. You must fight the selfishness that will only take community if it is convenient. It isn't always convenient. And it won't always go as planned.
In response to their first sin, shame also led to a breakdown in the relationship between Adam and Eve. They saw their nakedness and felt a need to cover up with fig leaves. They heard God in the garden and felt a need to hide. Shame makes us want to hide. Shame makes us feel unworthy. Shame leads us to drift from community because it makes us afraid someone will see our sin.
Christian community is meant to be a safe place for us to confess sin and be reminded of the gospel. Of all people, our fellow Christians should know what it means to be forgiven, and God calls us to offer forgiveness to others. When we feel shame, that is precisely when we need community the most. When we feel unable to speak the gospel to ourselves, it is then that we need our fellow Christian to speak it to us. The words of our brother or sister remind our weary hearts of the truth of God's word. The words of our fellow Christian are a potent potion for the wound in our heart.
We drift from community because of shame. In our shame, we fear what others might say when we are "found out." If we want genuine community, we must fight our fear and walk in the light with our fellow believers. And we must affirm one another in the gospel, so we know where to find fresh water when our soul is parched. In your shame, if you find yourself drifting from community, do whatever you can to fight your way back.